Act Classy Presents: The Origin Of Angry Birds
As of this moment, approximately a billion people are playing Angry Birds. You know Angry Birds, right? That addictive little game you play on your phone when you are waiting for someone, or should be working, or while your children run amok. But what’s the story behind Angry Birds? Well, thank heavens you’ve come to Act Classy today. After spending several weeks under the floorboards of Rovio Studios, the mad geniuses behind Angry Birds, I’m proud to present to you the reason why they are so very angry. So sit back and relax.
Our story begins in an idyllic grassy field…
DID YOU JUST SEE THAT?!
WHAT?
Those PIGS! Those pigs just stole those 3 eggs!
Oh yeah.
What a bunch of dicks.
I know, right?
Man, I didn’t even see them come over here.
Drag.
Pause
THIS. WILL. NOT. STAND.
Um, what?
THIS TREACHERY!! Those pigs are going to pay!!!
What’s Red going on about?
Does it matter?
Seriously, dudes, we gotta get back at those pigs!
Uh, yeah, they suck, but there’s no need to fly off the handle here.
FLY OFF THE HANDLE?! Did you not just see them make off with our potential offspring?! They’re going to eat them!
Yeah, more than likely.
Kind of a “circle of life” type of situation.
Are you all telling me that you’re not outraged by this egg-napping?
Uh, we eat bacon all of the time.
True.
Like ALL of the time.
That’s irrelevant.
Is it?
Look, filthy, rotten pigs don’t matter, what does matter…
Racist…
…WHAT DOES MATTER, is how are we going to get those eggs back?
Why don’t we just make more?
Pause
What?
Make more. We’re birds. Let’s just make more eggs.
POP!
Here you go. Can we stop yelling now?
POP-POP-POP!
There. There’s three more. See how easy that is?
Can you not do that?
Of course I can, it’s just…YOU ARE MISSING THE POINT! This is an act of aggression! A threat of all-out war!
I don’t know if that’s true.
Well, it is, and I say it’s time we took the fight to those rotten pigs.
OR! We just make more eggs.
Yeah, that one’s easier.
Much easier.
Sigh. OK, look, I didn’t want to say anything, but those eggs they stole? Those were Big Red’s eggs.
ALL: GASP!
Oh dear.
You were looking after Big Red’s eggs? She’s going to kill you!
And those baby birds would have ended up being WAY hot.
STUPID hot!
I KNOW! I know, all right! She said I’d get a birdjob if I looked after her kids while she went foraging. I was doing a really good job, too, and then one of you said something and then I turned around and then BOOM. Pigs.
Sucks to be you, dude.
Yeah, man.
Well, that’s why you’ve got to help me get those eggs back!
I don’t know…
COME ON! You’ll be doing me a solid and–as an added incentive–maybe we’ll teach those filthy pigs to stay away from our ground nests for a while.
You have a serious problem with pigs, don’t you?
Well, how do you propose we get the eggs back? Some of those jerks have got helmets on. HELMETS! I mean, I guess we could squawk at them until it gets, like, really annoying…
Oh! That’s what I was going to say…
But beyond that, it’s not going to be much of a fight.
Well, lucky for you, I’m a couple of steps ahead of your pigeon brains.
Man, pigeons too…
Blue, knock it off…
I mean you can’t spell “pigeon” without “pig,” so…
ANYWAY, You see those weird houses that the pigs live in? The ones that are in no way structurally sound and consist of precariously balanced building materials?
Uh, yeah.
Well, I say we knock them down on top of them.
And either crush them or bury them alive?
Monster.
THEY’RE STEALING OUR EGGS!
How would you even knock them over? Precisely placed blocks of C-4? Maybe destroy a dam and then knock it over with water?
Oh, that’s a good one.
Thanks.
Well, do you guys see this enormous slingshot I’ve been building right next to me?
Oh, that thing!
Is that what that is?
I knew what it was.
I say we take turns as we hop in the slingshot, aim our slingshot to a precise vector and then VOOM! We launch ourselves at the pigs.
Pause
HA!
You are out of your beakin’ mind.
WHAT?!
Uh, how about the notion that we’ll ALL PROBABLY BE KILLED with this plan.
It’s a slight statistical probability…
Slight?! You’re asking us to hurl ourselves at pigs–who, as far as we know, might be starving and needed eggs to survive–from a GIANT slingshot and expect us all not to be killed?
Why don’t we just send Bomb Bird?
Yeah, send Bomb Bird. He’s actually SUPPOSED to explode on things he touches.
All I know is death.
Pause
Look, we can’t trust just Bomb Bird. This is going to take our combined expertise.
I’ll go. I’d love to help.
GET OUT OF HERE GREEN BIRD!
YOU SUCK!
NOBODY LIKES YOU!
GET BACK IN THE CAGE!
Okie dokie!
Hate that guy.
He’s always doing something you just don’t want him to do!
I know, right!
Guys, seriously, I can’t make this any simpler. We all get in the slingshot. We hurl ourselves at the pigs’ houses. We get our eggs back. Win-win.
I don’t think you understand what “win-win” means.
I don’t know, Red…
PLEASE! You’ve got to help me. Big Red is going to kill me and this is the ONLY plan I’ve got that we can do right now.
Sigh. FINE! We’ll go with your plan.
Awesome!
But only because we’re afraid of what Big Red will do to us once she’s done with you…
And, after deep introspection, I’m beginning to understand that pigs really do suck.
There you go…
And deserve to die horrible deaths…
OK…
In front of their sobbing piglets.
That’s good…
Uh, Blue?
Huh? Oh, sorry.
Pause
All right! Let’s do this. Oh! I forgot to remind you about the best part!
What’s that?
We’ll be up to our beaks in delicious bacon for MONTHS!
ALL: BACON! LET’S DO THIS!!!! WAHOOOOO!!!!!
Do you all feel informed now? Good. Got any more speculation about why those birds are so darn angry? Then squawk something in our classy comment box below!
About the Author
Joe Lyons Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.
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