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Published on June 27th, 2012 | by Jive Turkey

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Act Classy Gets Litigious: We Dare You To Sue Us, Elizabeth Lloyd

Citizens of the Internet, I fear that with all the distractions of summer you haven’t been spending sufficient time in front of your computer screen. And if you haven’t been spending sufficient time in front of your computer screen, that means you haven’t been keeping up with the horrible people of the world and all of the horrible things they do.

Unless, of course, you actually watch the news on TV, but I don’t know anyone who does that except retirees and people sitting in airport terminals.

In the interest of keeping you abreast of the goings-on in Asshatville, allow me to introduce you to Elizabeth Lloyd:

Huh. That doesn’t seem right. But it’s what popped up when I did a Google image search for Elizabeth Lloyd, so I’m going with it.*

Elizabeth Lloyd is a delightful 97-year-old retired fisherman woman from New Jersey who was attending a Little League game two years ago when she was accidentally hit in the face by an errant baseball thrown by the universe, probably, because this awful c-u-next-tuesday had it coming 11-year-old Matthew Migliaco, who was warming up in a nearby bullpen. Instead of–I don’t know–sacking up and moving on, Lloyd waited two years and then served now 13-year-old Matthew with papers on April 24, suing him for more than $150,000. She jam-packed her lawsuit with not one, not two, but THREE counts of super-sweet legal-y stuff like assault and battery and “engaging in inappropriate physical and/or sporting activity” (right? How totally inappropriate was that kid, throwing a baseball in a bullpen at a Little League game?!). Wow, Elizabeth!

But then, you probably already knew that.

But Elizabeth wasn’t the only Lloyd looking to up her douche index: her husband also got in on the game, suing Matthew for the loss of “services, society and consortium” in regards to Elizabeth. For those of you who aren’t lawyers, allow me and Wikipedia to explain that this means Mr. Lloyd is claiming he can no longer bang his wife. Because she took a baseball to the face. Two years ago.

Sir, you cannot tell me that was the first time your wife took some balls to the face. ZING!!!!

Seriously, though, how badass is Elizabeth Lloyd? It’s about time someone was selfish enough to financially ruin the preteens of the world! That poor kid won’t have any trouble hiding his inconvenient boners with that barrel he’ll be wearing if Elizabeth Lloyd gets her classy, totally justified, and not at all despicable way!

Son, you’re gonna want to put some straps on that barrel to free up your hands.

In fact, how’s about we all take a page from the Elizabeth Lloyd playbook and start holding those dang kids accountable for all of the inconveniences and mischief they bring into our lives, no matter how accidental they are? Does that sound good to you, Elizabeth?

Puff once for yes.

I’m going to start close to home and serve some serious papers to my own daughter. Yeah, you heard me — girlfriend has been playing fast and loose with the law ever since she arrived in this world, which brings me to my first charge:

  • Aggravated assault & battery with conspiracy to destroy my hoo. I mean, what kind of shit is that? Sure, I agreed to give birth to you, but I’m pretty sure your rights end where my vagina begins.

I’ll see you in court, you MONSTER!

  • Now that she’s older and able to speak, it’s high time I dropped a nice little package of defamation charges at her Dora-clad feet. Just last week, she declared loudly in public that “Mama eats poopy,” and I assure you that I absolutely do not.

No, I do not eat poopy, although I certainly tried hard enough during my Nachos Bell Grande phase that lasted from 1995 to 2002.

  • Next up, it’s about time my daughter answers to all that extortion that’s been going on since Day One. How can a baby be accused of extortion? Well, food costs money, doesn’t it? And if I don’t pay up, the kid doesn’t eat, and if the kid doesn’t eat, guess who gets the blame? Total bullshit.
  • And don’t even get me started on the sexual harassment. That kid spent a solid year groping at my chest, only to follow it up with barging in on me when I’m changing and/or showering and asking to see my butt. Rude.

Alright, so I know my list pales in comparison to the campaign of pain Elizabeth Lloyd rained down on that 13-year-old, but I’m new at this. What do you think so far, Lizzie? Not too bad, right?

(You guys, I can’t tell. Is she smiling or frowning?)

*No, of course this is not really an image of Elizabeth Lloyd of horrible-woman-suing-a-young-boy fame. I felt it necessary to clarify this here because ol’ Liz is awfully fond of the lawsuits. Besides, everyone knows she looks like this:

Oh no — HEADS UP, ELIZABETH!!!

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About the Author

Jive Turkey lives in Pittsburgh, PA where she believes in the power of her dreams. A whimsical soul who was once called "just plain nasty" by an employee of the New Jersey DMV, Jive Turkey works as an actor, blogger (Jive Turkey, MamaPop, Pay it Forward), and playwright to support her passion for secretarial work. Her favorite pastimes include motherhood, frenching, and fostering a healthy grudge against the Sears Portrait Studio. She sincerely hopes you have a bitchin' summer.


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  • Z~Jimmer

    Honestly~ I super-rare love a pho-king blog. No really, I don’t think I’ve “like-ed” one ever. But this is the biggest bowl of WTF ever~ So right on~ thanks for sharing the news and I hope you find out who that cool lookin’ old man is.
    Enjoy Pittsburgh~ it’s a cool freaking town.

    Cheers~

    • http://www.twitter.com/bstephenson Brad Stephenson

      Thanks for the comment. I’m one of the site’s co-founders, and we appreciate the LIKE. Most of our stuff is very un-blog-like and more ridiculous, so we hope you come back and share with friends! Thanks for the Pittsburgh comment, too. Not all our writers are here… but most.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=609437720 Tor Voller

    Wow…She is insane, but your response, hilarious! Keep up the good work!

  • SF_Reader

    Awww, hell-yeah. I am TOTALLY getting in on this action. Finally, my son will serve a purpose! I’m finna serve that mo-fo with all SORTS of legal action. After all, it’s my job as a parent. How else is he going to learn how awesome God’s Country is to live in?

  • http://twitter.com/abbyfewdoor Abigail Fudor

    Jive Turkey, PLEASE follow this case harder than CNN. Please let us know what devious tricks the defense tries to pull, like, “I’m a kid” …or…”I’m a kid.” NOT ON OUR WATCH, kid.

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