Published on June 27th, 2012 | by Jive Turkey5
Act Classy Gets Litigious: We Dare You To Sue Us, Elizabeth Lloyd
Citizens of the Internet, I fear that with all the distractions of summer you haven’t been spending sufficient time in front of your computer screen. And if you haven’t been spending sufficient time in front of your computer screen, that means you haven’t been keeping up with the horrible people of the world and all of the horrible things they do.
In the interest of keeping you abreast of the goings-on in Asshatville, allow me to introduce you to Elizabeth Lloyd:
Elizabeth Lloyd is a delightful
97-year-old retired fisherman woman from New Jersey who was attending a Little League game two years ago when she was accidentally hit in the face by an errant baseball thrown by the universe, probably, because this awful c-u-next-tuesday had it coming 11-year-old Matthew Migliaco, who was warming up in a nearby bullpen. Instead of–I don’t know–sacking up and moving on, Lloyd waited two years and then served now 13-year-old Matthew with papers on April 24, suing him for more than $150,000. She jam-packed her lawsuit with not one, not two, but THREE counts of super-sweet legal-y stuff like assault and battery and “engaging in inappropriate physical and/or sporting activity” (right? How totally inappropriate was that kid, throwing a baseball in a bullpen at a Little League game?!). Wow, Elizabeth!
But Elizabeth wasn’t the only Lloyd looking to up her douche index: her husband also got in on the game, suing Matthew for the loss of “services, society and consortium” in regards to Elizabeth. For those of you who aren’t lawyers, allow me and Wikipedia to explain that this means Mr. Lloyd is claiming he can no longer bang his wife. Because she took a baseball to the face. Two years ago.
Seriously, though, how badass is Elizabeth Lloyd? It’s about time someone was selfish enough to financially ruin the preteens of the world! That poor kid won’t have any trouble hiding his inconvenient boners with that barrel he’ll be wearing if Elizabeth Lloyd gets her classy, totally justified, and not at all despicable way!
In fact, how’s about we all take a page from the Elizabeth Lloyd playbook and start holding those dang kids accountable for all of the inconveniences and mischief they bring into our lives, no matter how accidental they are? Does that sound good to you, Elizabeth?
I’m going to start close to home and serve some serious papers to my own daughter. Yeah, you heard me — girlfriend has been playing fast and loose with the law ever since she arrived in this world, which brings me to my first charge:
- Aggravated assault & battery with conspiracy to destroy my hoo. I mean, what kind of shit is that? Sure, I agreed to give birth to you, but I’m pretty sure your rights end where my vagina begins.
- Now that she’s older and able to speak, it’s high time I dropped a nice little package of defamation charges at her Dora-clad feet. Just last week, she declared loudly in public that “Mama eats poopy,” and I assure you that I absolutely do not.
- Next up, it’s about time my daughter answers to all that extortion that’s been going on since Day One. How can a baby be accused of extortion? Well, food costs money, doesn’t it? And if I don’t pay up, the kid doesn’t eat, and if the kid doesn’t eat, guess who gets the blame? Total bullshit.
- And don’t even get me started on the sexual harassment. That kid spent a solid year groping at my chest, only to follow it up with barging in on me when I’m changing and/or showering and asking to see my butt. Rude.
Alright, so I know my list pales in comparison to the campaign of pain Elizabeth Lloyd rained down on that 13-year-old, but I’m new at this. What do you think so far, Lizzie? Not too bad, right?
*No, of course this is not really an image of Elizabeth Lloyd of horrible-woman-suing-a-young-boy fame. I felt it necessary to clarify this here because ol’ Liz is awfully fond of the lawsuits. Besides, everyone knows she looks like this: