Pop Culture Harry_Potter_Act_Classy

Published on May 4th, 2012 | by Joe Lyons

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What’s the Story With This Guy?! – Harry Potter

Welcome to another edition of What’s the Story With This Guy?! the only web series where we delve deep into the back story of some of your favorite characters in cinema. Brace yourself for the graphic…

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From the indie film, The Flying Arrows, My Sweet.

I’ll be your host, Joe “Cruciatus Curse” Lyons and it is a distinct pleasure to be with you on the Internet today…and I don’t mean that in a dirty way. Last week, we tackled a minor, yet oh so very important, character from the martial arts epic Enter the Dragon. This week, upon a comment request (yes, we do listen to those), we turn our investigative eye to the Harry Potter films. The Harry Potter movies have delighted millions from the page to the screen, with a fantastical universe of magic and wonder, for over a decade. It’s a rich and fascinating universe that is littered with characters both great and small. There aren’t enough hours in the day to go into the back story of all of them, so I asked my dear friend J.K. Rowling to give me the scoop on one of the popular, yet less central characters.

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I took this photo of JK when we were vacationing in Spain…no I didn’t…or did I?…I didn’t.

The character in question can be seen here in this still from Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

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In accordance with my parole, I have to state that I was at least 500 yards from Emma Watson when this photo was taken.

The character in question is not the titular Harry Potter, or his friend Hermione Granger, or his ginger life-partner Ron Weasly, but he was still a vital part of the Harry Potter universe. Without him, these movies would not be nearly as rich and intriguing. I am, naturally, referring to this guy:

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Still 500 yards away…

The character’s name was Wadsworth “Wads” Pittlepants played by Welsh character actor Graham Conklin. Conklin has won several BAFTA awards for his background work and has been featured in numerous British films. He was going to have a starring turn in Love, Actually, but his entire subplot was cut after it was decided that nothing charming could be derived from the story that featured Conklin and an unidentified woman in a lobster costume. So after pouring through all of JK Rowling’s extensive character notes, I am now proud to present to you the official story of Harry Potter’s Wads Pittlepants.

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I have something on my face, don’t I?

Wadsworth Pittlepants and the Pint of Eternity
By Joe Lyons

YEAR 1

“Remember Wadsworth,” said Wads’ grandfather as he squeezed his shoulder with breath that stunk of hard Butterbeer and Listerine, “Don’t you dare make a mockery of the name Pittlepants or don’t bother coming back from that uppity school! You hear me!” Wads nodded in agreement, picked up his gym bag with his meager belongings, along with his pet hamster, Chumbawumba, and wandered through Kings’ Cross Station. Wads never liked his grandfather. Whenever the old man wasn’t hammered, he was merely only smashed. He had lived with his grandfather, who collected disability after having been injured on the job as a maintenance druid on the rail car in Gringotts Bank, since being orphaned at age 2. Wads’ mother was a witch who specialized in Muggle studies. Wads was the product of a one night stand with a Muggle cab driver from London who was a Manchester United enthusiast. After 5 nervous breakdowns and 2 freak outs, Wads’ mother disappeared one day in an attempt to hunt down the man who had knocked her up. Since then, he lived with his surly grandfather and he counted the days until he could go to Hogwarts and find his own place in the world.

Things were going to be different for Wads now though. Wads was gifted at the art of potions and looked forward to showing off his natural abilities at school. His grandfather had been next to useless at teaching the magic arts, so Wads couldn’t wait to get some proper instruction. That and there would be Quidditch. Sweet, sweet Quidditch. Wads sat by himself on the train after some ginger kid took the seat next to this other kid with a wicked cool forehead scar that Wads wanted to get a better look at. What would be in store for Wads next? What house would he get sorted into? If the rumors were true, you could goof off more in Hufflepuff, but the girls were a lot easier in Ravenclaw. It didn’t matter. All Wads new is that he couldn’t wait to get to Hogwarts.

YEAR 3

Wads woke up with his pants around his ankles under the bleachers of the Quidditch field. The last thing he remembered was trying to take a leak after another Gryffindor victory and then… that was about it. After a miserable first year, where he earned himself the nickname “The Boy Who Sharted,” Wads had spent the majority of his second year trying to make a new name for himself by starting a gang of Quidditch Hooligans. It didn’t go well. While enthusiasm for a wizard’s favorite sport was always high, both professionally and in academia, people in the magical community rarely resorted to hooliganism at sporting events. What with calming charms and sobriety Bezoars readily available, the magic community hadn’t had a proper Quidditch riot since the 1937 Kenmare Kestrel incident that nearly wiped out the Frofflequump, a half pony/half scorpion creature that was good for nothing.

So, Wads spent his time drinking, being rowdy, and getting into trouble with no one. Wads stayed at Hogwarts during the summers now that Grandfather was in Azkaban prison for exposing himself to a Muggle commuter bus in Slough while hovering 8 feet off of the ground. Wads kept busy in the potions lab while Professor Snape spent time scheming with people in the shadows. Wads was researching for any clues as towards the whereabouts of the Pint of Eternity, a mythical tankard that would never be empty. Wads wanted to find it because it would be crazy awesome to have booze whenever he wanted. He knew he was heading down the same path that had wrecked Grandfather’s life, but Wads couldn’t help it. All he wanted was to be buzzed and watch Quidditch.

Year 5

Wads found himself in permanent detention after that cow Umbridge caught him mooning the Slytherin first years as they were coming out of orientation. Wads was still coasting through life at Hogwarts. He was paying kids to take most of his exams for him after he won a tremendous amount of money on the Tri-Wizard Cup the previous year (he won for picking Cedric Diggery in the death pool). Wads had given up his quest of fostering Quidditch hooliganism after three failed riot attempts and a streaking incident that nearly claimed his genitals when the Golden Snitch took a unanticipated 180. The only success he had was starting a moderately popular Gryffindor chant after he had figured out a catchy rhyme that went with the word “quaffle.”

However, Wads was right where he wanted to be. His trip to detention was entirely on purpose. His quest for the Pint of Eternity had brought him to the realization that the legendary cup was somewhere deep in the detention cells of Hogwarts. Wads would have wondered about why, in this entire world of crazy magic, everything always ended up at his school, but he didn’t have time for that. He had a pint to find. Wads was not coming out of detention until he had his tankard.

Year 6

From the Daily Prophet: “Wadsworth Pittlepants was finally found in a subbasement of Hogwarts having survived after getting impossibly lost nearly a year ago. Rumors that he survived on Chumbawumba’s (a hamster) milk have yet to be verified. When asked why he didn’t escape through the room of requirement, Pittlepants responded ‘What-room of require-what?!’”

Year 7

Hogwarts lay in ruin. He Who Shall Not Be Named — Wads had cleverly nicknamed him “Volde-Fart” to George Weasly, who laughed and was immediately killed in that moment of distraction — was vanquished. Wads didn’t know if graduation was even going to happen that year. His quest for the Pint of Eternity was a total wash. After running the legend past a couple of the more open-minded professors, it turned out that the Pint of Eternity was just part of a longer limerick about the “Sexy Hallows,” which comprised the Pint of Eternity, the Invisible Pants of Erection, and the Elder Wand. Wads watched as the only place he ever wanted to call home smoldered. They probably wouldn’t even finish the Quidditch season…

Year 26

It wasn’t so bad being Wadsworth Pittlpants. In the past nineteen years, Wads was at the forefront of a Quidditch revolution. After getting an internship at a Muggle media company, Wads discovered he had a gift as a hype man. Following extensive testing in several markets and the securing of interested Goblin investors, Wads created the XQL, the Extreme Quidditch League. It was Quidditch for the common wizard. It was more violent, higher scoring, and there were cheer-witches. Oh, the cheer-witches. It had been a long journey since that first day at Kings’ Cross Station, but Wadsworth Pittlepants had managed not to make a mockery out of his name.

And at least he wasn’t some chump with three kids and weird wrinkles.

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Suck it, Potter.

So that wraps up this edition of What’s the Story With This Guy?! Got any other movie characters that you’d desperately like to know the back stories of? Then let us know in our Classy Ass Comment Box below!

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About the Author

Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.



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