Classy Advice

Published on May 2nd, 2012 | by Jive Turkey

3

Apocalypse Aid: How To Ride Out the End of Days in Your Local Drugstore

The other day as I was out for a lunchtime walk to distract myself from the fact that I waste 40 hours each week crawling closer to death within the confines of a beige cubicle, I found myself in Rite-Aid.

And by “found myself,” I mean that I was just walking aimlessly around Rite Aid; I did not have any kind of life-changing revelation there. Although I do prefer that all moments of enlightenment happen within a five-foot radius of a lice comb.

There’s something comforting about the drugstore, especially to a low-grade hypochondriac/germaphobe such as myself. Remedies down every aisle! Hand sanitizer always within reach! Feel like you might cough and/or shit your pants? We’ve got you covered, friend. And walking down the trial size aisle the other day, I took a break from pretending that I was a giant and stopped to think about how a drugstore might just be the perfect place to endure an apocalypse.

Coincidentally, “apocalypse” and “nuclear warfare” are the only two situations in which it’s acceptable to use Pert Plus.

Now, you might think that a big box store like Wal-Mart or Target might be your best bet, but you’d be wrong. EVERYONE is going to head to those places once they hear the clippity-clop of the approaching horsemen.  Sure, you might be able to score some cute shirts at Target while the human race devours itself outside the sliding doors, but…do you really want to be stuck with your fellow Wal-Mart shoppers for any length of time? Keep in mind that you may be asked to procreate in order to sustain humanity.

Well it’s one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and OH GOD SOMEONE STERILIZE ME.

But a drugstore, a drugstore is where you want to be, my friends. Your small neighborhood drugstore is big enough to house all the supplies you’ll need, but small enough to ensure you’ll be able to effectively lock it down. There’s a pharmacy crammed full of drugs, shelf-stable food, a limited amount of customers, and rows upon rows of discounted holiday candy.

SIGN.

THIS.

BITCH.

UP.

But what about day-to-day post-apocalyptic life inside the protective arms of Mr. Duane Reade? Well, that’s where I’m here to help. Because it’s one thing to shuffle your ass inside the CVS just in time to avoid the destruction of modern civilization, but it’s quite another to build a sustainable life amongst the tampons and sitz baths. Allow me to share some helpful advice that will see you through the end days in a pleasant haze of Wet’nWild cosmetics and Taylor Dayne on the Muzak.

OK, maybe not Taylor Dayne.

• MEALTIMES One of the drawbacks of choosing a drugstore as your emergency shelter is that you’re going to be a little limited in the food department, which is why you’ve got to rely on your creativity to sustain both your nutrition and your appetite. Once the last dusty cans of green beans and bags of off-brand dried fruit have been eaten, you’re going to have to…re-imagine the food pyramid a bit. Basically, you’re going to have to consider Vienna sausage a vegetable.

Fulfills 100% of your RDA of food eerily reminiscent of dog wieners.

• MAKING FRIENDS There’s a good chance that some or most of the people you get stuck with in the drugstore are going to be totally insufferable, especially after a few weeks together. Just this week, I was waited on by a drugstore employee who was bitching to his coworker about how his Mom stopped giving him money and “how am I supposed to get caffeine and cigarettes?” If you get stuck with this guy during the apocalypse, you should obviously go ahead and hang yourself immediately, but in case you lack the proper knot-tying skills, you may opt to stay alive and simply form different alliances amongst your peers. And by “peers,” I mean “the cheap resin garden statues in the seasonal aisle.”

Oh, DogwithLog, you always know just what to say!

Thanks, Snaillight, for providing both illumination and a handy compartment for hiding my key to the pharmacy whenever my rectum needs a rest!

Oh, whimsical gnome! We’ll talk later.

•  TAKING CARE OF YOUR NEEDS. YOU KNOW — YOUR NEEDS. There comes a time in every person’s post-apocalyptic life in a drugstore survival shelter when their fancy turns to the desperate urge to bang another person until their eyebrows rub off. Once again, the drugstore has you covered. Looking to woo that young lady who’s set up camp in the cosmetics aisle? Well, look sharp, friend, and grab some Old Spice, a box of Just For Men, and a strawberry scented candle from housewares, because once she drinks a couple of your signature Listerine Spritzers, it’s game on. But what happens when you’ve burned through the last of the contraception? You get creative, that’s what! Those plastic capsules in the basket by the pantyhose display aren’t just for holding generic pairs of knee highs — pop the lid off and the transparent capsule base becomes a functional makeshift diaphragm.

“Functional” in a very loose, post-apocalyptic sense. Look — you either want to get laid or you don’t. WORK WITH ME.

• ACTIVITIES Once the initial excitement of the destruction of everything you know and love wears off (and it will!), you’re gonna need something to fill your time. But what can you do after systematically completing every Sudoku book on the premises? Well, clear those registers off the counter, sew some buttons on the diabetic socks, and you’ve got yourself a grade A puppet theater! Tear the labels off a few bottles of prescription drugs and see how many pills you have to swallow before you get a boner! Grab all that dye taking up space on the shelves and give the whole clan some bitchin’ ombre hair!  Organize a game of tiny horseshoes with Nuvarings and Virginia Slims! Take to the food aisle and challenge some of your peers to a Hormel Compleats-eating contest!

Well, that doesn’t seem too bad.

DEAR GOD.

• CLOTHING Let’s face it — the clothes you wore through the apocalypse probably won’t last too long. Even if they’re not stained with the pulverized remains of humanity, they’re going to get a little funky after a week or so spent sleeping in a makeshift bed of adult diapers and cereal boxes. But besides the occasional plastic poncho or baseball hat adorned with an unlicensed pro football logo, there isn’t much in the way of clothes at your run-of-the-mill drugstore. No worries! With a little ingenuity and a healthy disregard for decency, you can cobble together a few outfits to last you until everyone turns on each other and resorts to cannibalism. For those cold winter months, craft a suit made entirely out of self-adhesive pain-relieving heat wraps, using a fuzzy circular cat bed for a jaunty, Russian-style hat. Animal lovers will swoon over a cruelty-free faux leather jacket crafted from melted, reshaped Swedish fish and fruit roll-ups, and who doesn’t look good in a lightweight pair of Kleenex capris? And for those special nights out, you’ll be the talk of the pharmacy puppet theater in your luxurious, ultra-absorbent  tampon halter.

I waited 28 days to look this fabulous!

I hope I’ve managed to convince you that the key to post-apocalyptic survival lies amongst the cotton balls and suppositories, and perhaps I’ve even inspired you to come up with some ideas of your own. Please share them in the comments! And I hope that if life as we know it ceases to be, I can count on you to keep me company as we wile away the days playing with cap guns and generic super-soakers in our own little drugstore paradise. I promise I’ll let you eat all the Rolos before I carve out your insides and wear you like a coat.

Tags: Duane Reade, end of days, featured, post-apocalyptic, Rite-Aid, surviving the apocalypse, Target, Wal-Mart

About the Author

Jive Turkey Jive Turkey lives in Pittsburgh, PA where she believes in the power of her dreams. A whimsical soul who was once called "just plain nasty" by an employee of the New Jersey DMV, Jive Turkey works as an actor, blogger (Jive Turkey, MamaPop, Pay it Forward), and playwright to support her passion for secretarial work. Her favorite pastimes include motherhood, frenching, and fostering a healthy grudge against the Sears Portrait Studio. She sincerely hopes you have a bitchin' summer.

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