Summertime and the Livin’ is Queasy: Recipes To Ruin Your Barbecue By
Lovers of insect bites, sweat stains, and blistering sunburns, rejoice! Summer is upon us! And you know what that means: a bunch of dogs are going to die when their moron owners leave them in the car to go spend the afternoon at the casino.
Sorry, Mr. Snoots — the allure of an all-you-can-eat clam bar was just too strong to resist.
But beyond that, summertime also means it’s time for good eatin’: luscious fruits and vegetables are available by the bushel at farmers’ markets, there’s the constant aroma of grilled meat wafting through the air, and chances are you’ll be invited to fill your face on numerous occasions at summertime barbecues and cookouts.
God — that shit sounds awful, right? I mean the produce and meat is fine, but the pressure to have to spend countless weekend afternoons knocking around in someone’s dumb backyard, sweating your balls off in 93% humidity just to score some damn bratwurst? Bogus. So the masterminds here in the Act Classy kitchens (i.e., me and the vending machine guy I corner for awkward conversation when he comes to refill the Zingers and Sun Chips) have scoured the Internet for the worst possible summertime recipes, so that you may make them, bring them to all your warm weather gatherings, and never run the risk of being invited back again.
Yankee Doodle do or die(-arrhea)!
Let’s begin!
I thought we’d jump right in with a recipe from the master herself, Sandra Lee of the Food Network. Known for her horrifically unappetizing recipes, Sandra’s Fiesta Fondue dip does not disappoint with its diverse ingredients list of cheese soup, cheddar cheese, salsa, and whole milk. Tempted to gag yet? Not so fast, partner! Allow me to present a handy visual:
Actual review on the Food Network website: “It was like there was a party in my mouth and everyone was throwing up.”
If you’re not feeling adventurous enough to tackle hot vom dip on your own dirty-ass stove, why not opt for Sandra Lee’s Life’s a Beach Cake? All the necessary ingredients are things you probably already have on hand, like canned frosting, angel food cake, and gummy octopi.
Alternate recipe name: “Shiny Jizz Tart with Spiders”
But what if your hosts end up liking your sickeningly sweet hot mess of a cake? That sounds like a risk not worth taking. Better to seal the deal with some Prawn & Arugula Sandwiches. Made with butter AND ketchup, someone had the balls to feature these sandwiches as perfect picnic food, and you know what? I can’t think of better hot weather fare than seafood in a mayonnaise-based dressing, can you?
If you bring these prawn sandwiches to a pool party and end up saving the host’s youngest child from drowning in the deep end, you will still forever be remembered as the dick who brought prawn sandwiches to a pool party.
Who says yule logs are only for the winter holidays? The scrumptious brown icing and doughnut hole charcoal of this Campfire Cake will have everyone’s palate on fire!
I’m not going to post the recipe here, but trust me: it is surprisingly labor-intensive for a cake that ends up looking like a stool sample.
Speaking of campfires, how about that other traditional summertime favorite, s’mores? Not so fast! Bringing that simple and beloved combination of chocolate, graham crackers, and marshmallows to the party will only win you favor with your hosts and the other guests. A better choice would be to go the route suggested by one family-friendly blog and bring all the fixins for S’mores Wraps. That’s right! Who needs graham crackers when you can lazily slap some chocolate and marshmallows in a goddamn FLOUR TORTILLA, throw it in the microwave, and call it a day?
You won’t miss the graham crackers. They’ve been replaced by sadness.
So far, we’ve come up with plenty of ways to turn off your fellow party guests, but let’s not forget about the hardworking grillmaster (or grillmistress) of the fete. Standing over a blazing hot grill in 87-degree weather has likely placed him in a pretty foul mood, especially if he’s sober, so if you’re looking to draw the ire from your gracious hosts, pissing off the man whose shirt is inundated with hot dog grease is going to be the quickest and easiest way. Enter the Grilled Lasagna.
Hey! Thanks for inviting me! I brought this AWESOME grilled lasagna, but it isn’t cooked yet. Here — let me just put this gloppy mess of ingredients on your grill, and in 45 minutes flat we’ll have a chewy mess that no one will eat, AND your grill will be covered in charred mozzarella cheese. MANGIA!
But if you, like me, are the more passive-aggressive brand of asshole, you’ll probably pass on the grilled pasta and head straight for the seemingly innocuous Crabby Crabwich.
Get it off me GET IT OFF ME!
YES, I KNOW — on first glance, it’s kind of cute, but as I mentioned above, there is nothing good that will come of letting mayonnaise-coated seafood bake in the searing heat of a cookout food table. You don’t want to be stuck at the beach when you feel the telltale cramps in your belly.
“Oh, great, another guy peeing in the ocean. Wait…oh, no…sir? SIR!!!”
The recipe for the Crabby Crabwich is a little troubling, too:
Slit, stuff, tuck, slide…who wrote this thing, Jamie Gumb?
“I’d eat me.”
If you’re the more patriotic sort, perhaps you’d prefer to whip up a batch of Torch Cupcakes to thoroughly disappoint and confuse your fellow Fourth of July picnickers.
Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to eat sharp, bloody french fries crammed into the end of a flashlight.
But let us not forget the British on the anniversary of our independence! It’s only fair to honor them with that staple of the British diet, the pudding. What — pudding doesn’t remind you of the summertime? What if it’s a refreshing Summer Pudding?
When only a dessert that looks exactly like a blood clot will do.
I found this mouth-watering treat on the Woman’s Day website (Woman’s Day = the magazine you read before getting a root canal), and not three inches below the recipe I saw this:
Fact: 53% of women cannot locate their Summer Pudding.
Honestly, though, if you really want to damage your cookout rep and become a BBQ pariah in your social circle, you’ll be a little more stealth and choose to bring some cheerful Corn on the Cobcakes . What’s so bad about these?
Oh, nothing…just the lifelong burden of diabetes everyone will have to bear after eating a cupcake slathered in icing, jellybeans, lemon Starburst butter pats, and sugar crystals.
Well, I hope I’ve given you at least a few good ideas when it comes to alienating yourself from each and every cookout and social event this summer. Have fun, be safe, and remember: FREEDOM ISN’T FREE.
All gave some, some gave chocolate jimmies.
About the Author
Jive Turkey Jive Turkey lives in Pittsburgh, PA where she believes in the power of her dreams. A whimsical soul who was once called "just plain nasty" by an employee of the New Jersey DMV, Jive Turkey works as an actor, blogger (Jive Turkey, MamaPop, Pay it Forward), and playwright to support her passion for secretarial work. Her favorite pastimes include motherhood, frenching, and fostering a healthy grudge against the Sears Portrait Studio. She sincerely hopes you have a bitchin' summer.
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