Published on April 11th, 2012 | by Jive Turkey7
The Art of the Pamphlet
And then consider what kind of sweet MARIHHHHHHHUANA the artist who created these illustrations was smoking.
Yes, the pamphlet — that not-a-booklet, not-quite-a-brochure form of literature that brings us valuable information on topics from drug addiction to feline urinary tract health to severing your tender vasa deferentia in an attempt to forever shoot blanks into your ladyfriend’s barrel.
It occurred to me the other day that I hadn’t seen a good, old-fashioned pamphlet rack for quite some time, and while that may be due to the fact that I don’t frequent high school counselors’ offices or methadone clinics, I also fear that the digital age may signal the beginning of the end for our tri-folded friend. After all, who needs to track down a pamphlet when finding the answers you need is as easy as firing up your computer?
Although I wouldn’t recommend Googling “gaylord” at work. Or ever.
Personally, I’m all for digitizing information and saving paper and going green and all that other bullshit, but I think the passing of the pamphlet would leave a tragic, rectangular hole in our collective hearts, and I’m here to ask you to join me in the fight to protect and preserve this integral part of the human experience. How else is the Indiana Bureau of Venereal Disease going to pass its vital information to us? Lord knows that young man down there isn’t going to be around much longer to spread the message.
Let’s take a moment and explore the different types of pamphlets, shall we?
First up is the instructional pamphlet — the “git-r-done” of the pamphlet world, assuming the pamphlet world is populated by marginally talented comedians who pander to rednecks. The instructional pamphlet provides step-by-step information on how to tackle a specific problem. For example, how to care for farm animals.
Man, is raising livestock really so simple it can be covered in three tiny panels? I guess so. In your face, Farmer Numbnuts!
And what about identifying those pesky terrorists?
Terrorists make large purchases of baby formula, cigarettes, and liquor? Pamphlet, I think you are confusing “terrorists” with “the cast of Teen Mom.”
Now, let’s assume you’re cool with sheep and terrorists, but it’s the witches that have got you down. Have no fear! There’s a pamphlet here to help:
Of course, you’ll have to become proficient in reading that weird old-timey text where they replace the letter s with the letter f. Although that might be a really clever way to get away with disguising profanity.
You don’t agree? Fuck my dick.
(Oh my. That didn’t work at all.)
Livestock, terrorists, and witches aside, I gotta be honest with you: I have some really pressing questions about nudism.
So, the nudists…are nude? And like to lay around in meadows? Got it.
But how do I protect myself from all those nude nudists nuding around with their nudity parts?
OH MY GOD IT’S ABSTINENCE NO WAIT IT’S INTENTIONAL ABSTINENCE WHICH MEANS WE COULD LIKE TOTALLY BONE ANY TIME WE WANT WE SWEAR WE JUST REALLY DON’T WANT TO NO REALLY BUT WE CAN’T STOP SCREAMING MAYBE METH AND LOTS OF MOUNTAIN DEW WAS A POOR SUBSTITUTE FOR AN ORGASM!!1!1!!!
Sometimes, however, you don’t need facts. Sometimes you just need advice. Take being married, for example. Being married is hard! How do I know if I’m being a good wife, especially as it relates to bedroom matters? Pamphlet?
Small moans during congress. Hot.
Gosh, that was helpful. Any other marriage wisdom you care to impart, pamphlet?
Well, I’m no detective, but judging from the use of the phrases “adjustable elevation” and “3-way resiliency” coupled with the Roman column imagery, I’m going to guess that the Compat-A-Pillow is simply a pillow that somehow helps awkward married people do it. Or, in medical terms, a marital cushion for the marital pushin’.
I don’t know about you, but all these sexy topics are getting me a little hot and bothered. Pamphlets! Something to clear my mind, please.
What? It’s just San Jacinto, perv.
Ah, yes — the travel pamphlet. Who hasn’t browsed through the pamphlet rack in the lobby of a Super 8 to find some fun activities to fill your day after contracting an invasive bed bug infestation? Let’s see what fantastic things the travel pamphlets have in store!
But of course! Let’s head to the sunny shores of…Kentucky, where Billy and his Pop can frolic in the surf while Mom empties the colostomy bag she’s storing in the stomach panel of her swimsuit.
Next, why not stop in Virginia, where couples can show their visible disgust with life and each other while burying their hands deep inside the gills of a walleye perch.
I hope I’ve managed to convince you of how vital the pamphlet can be, both for informational and recreational purposes, and I trust you’ll join me in the fight to keep them relevant in a world poised to forget them. After all, without pamphlets, what would litter the floors of public transportation? Runaway Snapple bottles filled with urine? Probably.