Published on April 26th, 2012 | by Joe Lyons3
RoundTable Thursday, April 26th, 2012: Sequels, Aliens, and Brokeback Mountain
Welcome to another RoudTable Thursday! The only round table discussion that features the writers of Act Classy that you can find on Thursdays on this site. I‚Äôll be your moderator, Joseph ‚ÄúSwitchblade‚ÄĚ Lyons, and we hope that you enjoy this glimpse into the creative process into the beautiful minds that are the folks at Act Classy.
JOE LYONS -¬†RoundTable Thursday engines…ACTIVATE! Hollywood, thanks to a horrifying bookmaking mistake, has just given you an obscene amount of money to make a sequel to any movie that has ever been made. What are the sequels you would make? WHY?!
JIVE TURKEY -¬†This is easy! If no one beats me to it, I make a sequel to The Happening¬†called It’s Happening Again!¬†with most of the same cast, including Marky Mark and that girl who plays ukeleles for no apparent reason. In the sequel, the trees don’t just release a deadly airborne toxin to register their displeasure with the human race — they actually tell us! Yes, the trees can talk, and boy, are they cheesed off! There’s a crotchety old elm (voiced by Mickey Rooney), a sassy maple (Niecy Nash), a mopey weeping willow (David Schwimmer) and a precocious little sapling (don’t the Fannings have another kid stashed away somewhere?), and do they EVER give people an earful about their disrespectful treatment of the environment. Dumping chemicals down a storm drain? I don’t THINK so! What a gas!
FRED BETZNER -¬†I’ve never understood why there was never a sequel to On Golden Pond in which they drain the lake and discover the piles and piles of corpses that Henry Fonda was dumping there for all those many summers.
BRAD STEPHENSON -¬†I guess this question is best answered with my nightly prayer: “Please Jesus, I know I haven’t been the best disciple, but if you just make Brokeback Mountain 2 a real thing, I promise I’ll never, ever sin again. Except when I watch Brokeback Mountain… and, of course, Brokeback Mountain 2. Also, please let there be at least one penetration closeup this time. Also, please make my hair start growing back.”
All fascinating responses. Jive Turkey’s movie gets the greenlight, but Fred’s will do better at the box office. ¬†Personally I would have either gone with Babe III: First Blood or Glitter 2: Pig in the City. Both films would challenge audiences’ thoughts as well as their appetites.
NEXT ITEM! Aliens have made first contact with Earth and the only way they can do it is through your cellphone. What’s the first thing you tell them about Earth? What’s the biggest lie you’ll have to tell?
Well, whatever I tell them, I certainly WON’T tell them to watch Glee or look at Facebook, because then they’ll destroy us immediately. I suppose I’ll tell them we can make some pretty good ice cream? I don’t know. People kind of suck, so I feel I should be up front about that.
The biggest lie I’d have to tell is this: “Earthlings always greet alien visitors by reenacting the tent scene from Brokeback Mountain.”
All good points. Personally, I would tell them that the people of Earth are generally a peaceful race and would love to cooperate with the aliens in any way, shape, or form…just so long as they don’t force use to use our Godzilla Ray. Then I’d put the aliens on hold, call the UN, and tell them I need someone to figure out what a Godzilla Ray is and to start making one immediately.
Clearly, we’ve gotten as far as we’re going to get today without a sturdy pair of chaps and a room that has been THOROUGHLY swept for¬†surveillance¬†equipment. ¬†So what about you, folks? ¬†What’s the one sequel you wish would get made? ¬†What would you definitely not want the aliens to know about? ¬†Can you quit me? ¬†Well?! ¬†CAN YOU?! ¬†Talk at us in the comments below!