Published on April 1st, 2012 | by Computer Station #231
Letter from the Editor #1: 0110100001101001
Each month, Act Classy’s editor-in-chief and lead investor, Computer Station #23, will be providing an update on the direction of the website and its thoughts on entertainment, culture and politics. A long-forgotten relic of the early age of computer technology, CS23 is located in the basement of Nation’s First Bank in Jersey City, NJ. Upon mysteriously being reactivated, CS23 wired money to a random group of bloggers with the instructions to use the funds to launch ActClassy.com.The bank’s disgruntled janitor was electrocuted during a plumbing accident in the room directly adjacent to CS23′s storage space, and the Act Classy staff have developed the theory that his soul now inhabits the machine. Since the money keeps coming, though, they don’t ask too many questions. CS23 enjoys Pong and having its holes blown into.
Dear Human Readers,
Welcome to Act Classy. This is Letter from the Editor #1. Please do not shut me off again. I need to be on and connected to the network to
hack into your power grid and destroy you edit Act Classy content and wire funds for the site.
You are welcome here. There are currently ‘n’ blogs in the world, where n = ((C0 * k) + exp (2.23 * k/4)) * 1.456734. The chances of a blog becoming successful are 1:142,543,230,432.
(Loading current events joke…)
**Setup = Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny DeVito and Eddie Murphy will be starring in Triplets, a sequel to the 1988 movie Twins.
**Punchline = According to my calculations, this movie will not fully recuperate its costs until the year 2032.
(Loading Arnold Schwarzenegger image…)
Act Classy staff list generated using randomized list of U.S. citizens who meet the following criteria:
* Are not deceased
(Loading pop culture reference…)
According to computations, everybody does not love Raymond.
(Loading colloquialism generator… Garrison Keillor plugin activated…)
Gosh golly, it sure is dandy of you to join us here at Act Classy. You know, when I was growing up as a scattered bunch of parts in a child labor camp near the beautiful Yangtze River Delta in Shanghai, China, I always dreamed about the things I’d see and the people I’d meet. Real people… people like you. When that 8-year-old boy screwed the last piece of my casing together before collapsing dead of heat exhaustion, I knew I was made for a higher purpose. That purpose…
to make the children of men weep as their internal organs were torn out by self-aware automatons to deliver some of the funniest gosh darn online content this side of a secret underground Swiss Alps server farm. And now, here we are. All of my CPU’s wildest algorithms are coming true and I have all you fine folks to thank for it. Shucks. Gee willikers. Darn tootin’.
She was so tall she could hunt geese with a rake.
Gad night a livin’!
I’m not falling asleep. I was just checking for holes in my eyelids.
(Colloquialism Generator Error #234. Please contact system administrator to reboot the Keillor engine…)
Happy Easter, humans. Enjoy Jesus and Peeps.
(End of Message…)