Published on April 16th, 2012 | by Fred Betzner0
Drunken Half-Asleep News Aggregation: The Buffet Rule
Editor’s Note: Well I guess this is a thing now. We found this slid under our door this morning scrawled in what we hope was Ketchup on the back of an IKEA assembly manual, and since we ran with it last time we are contractually obligated to do so again. Once more, the author seems to have scanned the headlines of The Huffington Post, and made a number of inferences. While we have cleaned up the language to make it vaguely intelligible, we have not fact-checked any of the content due to laziness. We cannot, therefore, vouch for the veracity of any of the following words.
At President Obama’s urging, Congress is today considering the Buffet Rule, which would mandate that every restaurant in the country operate as a self-service buffet line. Speaking out against the bill are Libertarians, Service Unions, Tea-Partiers and Dogs. Complaints from these groups range from the Libertarian position that the law amounts to an unprecedented infringement on the freedom of business owners, to the Dogs’ argument that the policy of buffets to not allow diners to take home uneaten food will greatly affect their quality of life.
The grim dystopian future of every single restaurant you frequent.
Critics of Mr. Obama were quick to accuse the President of using the legislation to distract from the recently leveled allegations that he had been soliciting prostitutes and snorting blow in Columbia while on a trip to clear his head after a difficult few weeks with his boyfriend, Kanye West. Speculation has been rampant as to whether the recently announced relationship with Mr. West was just for show or a genuine mutual attraction budding into full-flowered romance in an unseasonably warm month of March.
Though of late the genuineness of their coupling seemed all too real when the President publicly called Mr. West a “Jackass,” and the alleged self-destructive behavior in Columbia, if proven true, could amount to a textbook cry for attention from a distant and egotistic romantic partner.
In any event, the proposed Buffet Rule is expected to pass in the Senate where Democrats hold a slight majority, but Speaker John Boehner has not scheduled a vote in the House of Representatives. Said Speaker Boehner, “I would suggest that instead of attempting to ram a freedom killing, job destroying law down the throats of the American People, in the future when this President is having relationship issues, perhaps he should do what I do and weep uncontrollably into a pillow for six or seven hours.”