Drunken Half-Asleep News Aggregation nestle-pfizer

Published on April 23rd, 2012 | by Fred Betzner


Drunken Half-Asleep News Aggregation: Sexy Chocolate

Editor’s Note: Each Monday we find a poorly composed hand-written news story in our mailbox, the author seems to have scanned the headlines of The Huffington Post, and made a number of inferences. While we have cleaned up the language to make it vaguely intelligible, we have not fact-checked any of the content due to laziness. We cannot, therefore, vouch for the veracity of any of the following words.

At a press conference Monday morning at a secluded mountain compound high in the Alps, in a room lined with 700 Cuckoo Clocks, Swiss Chocolatier Nestle announced that it will purchase U.S. Pharmaceutical company Pfizer, makers of impotence drug Viagra, for $11.85 billion dollars. Shortly after 10AM, representatives from Nestle bounded into the conference room with a renewed sense of confidence, wearing abnormally long sweatshirts and full-to-bursting with a lust for life.

“We as a company are titillated by this acquisition,” said Nestle Executive Vice President Werner J. Bauer, “we are entirely aroused at the prospect of our soon to be engorged product line, and we look forward to vertically integrating our individual parts in mutually pleasurable synergistic copulation.” Mr. Bauer then hugged President and General Manager of Pfizer Olivier Brandicourt for what seemed at least 10-15 seconds too long.

 A Nestle spokesperson later explained the reasoning behind the purchase, “It just made sense to us. Studies have shown that eating chocolate can lead to an increased libido and sexual arousal in women, we felt it was time to give men the same opportunity. Besides, the mascot for Nesquick is a 3 foot tall rabbit, and everyone knows what rabbits do. Ha ha!” When no one in the room said anything and stared blankly at the spokesperson she awkwardly added, “They procreate quite a bit…rabbits do…they really like to f***. Please don’t print that.”

Later this evening, at an adults only reception, the two companies plan to unveil their first jointly produced products: Whachamahardon, a rod shaped cylinder of pure dark chocolate with a creamy coconut filling; a twin pack of chocolate coated wafers packaged tip to tip aimed at the gay community called Twinx; and a foot-long candy bar ridged with nut balls dipped in chocolate called F*** ** ** *** ***.


A photo of Nestle’s newly erected factory.


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About the Author

Fred Betzner spends his days silently staring out of windows in his castle, Le Château de Kangourou, and cursing his ill fate in severely broken French. He is considering changing his name to Molly.

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