Cirque Jerk: What To Expect When You Go To Cirque Du Soleil
We here at Act Classy love ourselves some video games. They’re crazy fun, they help take us away from the crippling reality of our lives, and they finally give us an excuse to swear at 14-year-olds who call us names without worrying that they’re carrying knives.
The first time you get to second base counts if you’re wearing the Power Glove, right? RIGHT?!
Anyway, with this year’s E3 already behind us, we’re looking forward to the next batch of video games that will undoubtedly alienate us from our families and loved ones irreparably. Now, video games–much like Hollywood–are clogged with sequels. Sequels and more sequels are the lifeblood of the industry, because why spend tremendous amounts of money and years of man hours on something people might not buy? Just slap a “2″ or a “XI” or a “Redemption” after the title of a game that you know already sells and watch the money roll in. Some are good, some are bad, but they all add to the ever increasing Gamerscore that prevents me from raising my son.
SOMEONE was SUPPOSED to be watching my 6…
So in honor of all of the sequels that are about to drop (or so I assume) and fill us with gamer joy, I now present to you The Top 17 Forthcoming Video Game Sequels!
1. Cooking Metroid
2. Resident Yoshi
3. Halo Tennis
4. Luigi’s Maniac Mansion
5. Heavy Rayman
6. Metal Gear Solid 15: Nuthin’ But Cut Scenes!
7. New New Super Mario Brothers! (The “New” part is the use of the extra word “new”)
8. Donkey Kong: San Andreas
9. Diablo IV (just got bumped to the year 2145)
10. Street Fighter Alpha Turbo Hyper Wonky Championship Super Japanese Edition
11. Call of Kirby
12. Uncharted: Ace Attorney
13. Pac Man: Arkham Asylum
14. World of Pongcraft
15. Lara Croft: Doom Raider
16. Duke Sudoku Forever
17. Kart of War
Got any other ideas for the perfect video game sequel? Then leave them in our comments box below!
Webcomic Wednesday | A Boy And His Blob
It’s Webcomic Wednesday! Today we present a new entry called “run a:/ actclassy.exe.”
Fire up that flux capacitor, and set all time circuits back to 1989 because we’re going 8-bit and beyond! For all you youngsters who can’t remember life before the Internet, there was a little game called A Boy and his Blob for the Nintendo Entertainment System (read: NES). The idea behind the game was to use nothing but your wits, a pocketful of jelly beans, and your friend Blobert to SAVE MANKIND. Eat your heart out Mass Effect! (What the hell is a Geth anyway?) After feeding your blob everyday jelly beans, he’d shape-shift into “useful” items like a trampoline, a flamethrower, or a hummingbird.
Hey, what did the Apple II say to the video cassette rewinder? 11101001001001001!! Oh my, how incredibly filthy!
Join us next week for another installment of Webcomic Wednesday that may or may not refer to the Florida face eater. Have your own idea? Let us know in the comments or send us your work!
Coming This Fall to TLC: The Worst Of Humanity
With shows like I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, Jon & Kate Plus 8, and My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, TLC has quickly evolved from its roots as The Learning Channel to something that includes no learning whatsoever. In fact, the last time I watched a show on TLC, I forgot a bunch of important information.
“Let’s see… my phone number is 1-301-Jon-Kate-8– DAMMIT!”
Act Classy was fortunate enough to get the inside scoop on TLC’s fall lineup, and September can’t get here fast enough. Take a look below at the TLC 2012 schedule.
I Didn’t Know I Was Busey
The producers of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant bring you an exciting and terrifying look at another medical phenomenon. Each year, more than 20,000 women all over the world wake up to discover that they’re actor Gary Busey. Doctors have no explanation, and there is no cure. TLC takes you inside the lives of three of these extraordinary women as they share their heartache, their courage, and their giant goddamn teeth.
The McCormick family struggles every day with the fact that mom, Karen, has turned into Gary Busey.
Little Hoarders, Big World
For hoarders, throwing away even the tiniest object can result in serious emotional trauma. Imagine, then, the pain felt by a select group of hoarders who only collect midgets when they’re told that they have to get rid of some of their midgets. Seriously, there are midgets everywhere in these peoples’ houses. You can’t make a move without stepping on a midget. Are we allowed to say midgets? Midgets.
“We know we have a lot of Matt Roloffs,” says Maria Lopez. “But they’re all so precious to us.”
Jon and Liz Plus Biz
When Jon Gosselin moves in with his new girlfriend Liz Jannetta, he’s surprised to learn that she’s the legal guardian of rapper Biz Markie. After caring for eight children and their legally insane mother, surely watching over a fully grown man won’t be a problem, right? Wrong. Come beatbox your way to love, laughs, and four-wheeler rides.
Oh snap! Guess what I rode!
Tarantulas & Tiaras
In a remote corner of Brazil, there is a fierce pageant circuit with unorthodox contestants: tarantulas. If you thought the world of toddler beauty pageants was intense, wait until you get a load of these eight-legged beauties.
The teeth may be fake, but the sass and pizazz are 100 percent genuine.
Ice Road F*%#ers
The History Channel can keep its boring trucks. TLC has hardcore sex served up just the way you like it… on the rocks with a twist of awesome. Watch as couples in northwestern Canada attempt to complete coitus before the temporary ice roads beneath them crack and send them to their deaths in the frigid water below.
Please crack and send them to their deaths in the frigid water below.
TLC’s Extreme Couponing has been a surprise hit, converting millions of couponers into extreme couponers. It’s time to take couponing to the next level of extreme by removing the first “e,” focusing on the “x,” and putting everyone on rollerskates. Want to save a dollar on that yogurt that makes you poop? Lace up your wheels and kick some ass.
“Price check on this bitch’s cracked skull!”